Five years

Five years,
That was the sentence they gave you for the no contact order when you were arrested.
Nineteen year old me thought that was the end of the world and;
I’d naively made a promise to myself that I’d wait for you-
Still not fully understanding the extent of what I’d just been through with you for the last three years.
I remember the last phone call I’d had with that detective and the last crushing thing he had told me;
The weight of the whole thing fell on my shoulders and my shoulders alone.
After your arrest,
Hateful messages starting popping up on my Facebook blaming me for the firing of everyone’s favorite and well loved employee-
People tagged the arrest article to my timeline and the comments dissolved me faster than cotton candy in water.
It was never my fault;
Despite what everyone had said.
It took me years to realize this and I still don’t fully comprehend everything but;
I’m working on it.
Five years.
It’s been five years of my own collateral damage to every person who has ever gotten close and tried to love me.
Five years of consistent flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks.
Five years of “stop living in the past” from the people who don’t understand the trauma.
Five years of insensitive ignorance when telling me “it takes two to tango” and “you put yourself in the position”.
I was 16. You were 20 years older, and a person of power.
Five years of hypersensitivity,
Five years of picking out every single thing that I don’t like in a person and thinking it’s a red flag.
Five years of crying myself to sleep,
Five years of struggling to stay clean from the drugs that I used to forget you and the pain you made me feel.
Five years of really high highs and lower than low lows.
Five years.
I wish I could’ve punched you square in the face.
I wish I could’ve stood up for myself and had a voice.
I wish the people who were supposed to protect me would’ve protected me more.
I wish you would’ve protected me instead of doing what you did.
I remember you telling me that you loved me.
You told me I’d never wait for you and I again naively argued it.
I shouldn’t have.
It took two of that five years for me to finally start to realize the earth shattering reality that what you did was never love-
It was abuse.
That our relationship was not normal and you never saw me as mature-
You saw me as an easy target.
That you never wanted to help me-
You just wanted to toy with every part of my mind, body and soul.
I walked away with a lifetime of trauma.
But they only gave you five years of no contact.