I sit here and dwell on things of my past that I cannot change. An older mans conscience.
Deep in thoughts better left alone.
Like an old friend, I remember the endless cycles of pain and regret that I cannot do anything about but hold on for that ride to hell.
The child's voice can still be heard, afraid and confused, looking for a safe place to hide, but there was nowhere to go.
Tears of confusion and pain flow through my body in waves of agony, exhausted with the beatings that are a regular part of my young life.
Tomorrow was a gift I never could accept, because today is too real.
Years went by this way, tearing away the parts of me that made me whole.
Learning my worth through words of discouragement, nothing to add to an empty plate.
Locked in silence, nothing but the buzzing in my head and the stings of the marks left behind by the belt that made them.
My mortal voice was small and weak, afraid to speak, but my inner voice would scream inside my mind, full of furious anger and rage with no outlet.
All I wanted was acceptance of who I was, a young boy trying to get by in a big world, but there was no solace.
Naive to consequences of my actions in a normal world.
I went internal, navigating the world around me within my mind, drawing my own conclusions. Leaving no open door to those around me to step inside and take me by the hand.
I was my own guide to a confusing world full of violence and heartache.
Years again go by, I am a young man, searching for my death.
Looking for that one challenge I cannot escape, seeking those that want to harm me, looking forward to that day that ends it all.
I searched through every situation I could find, no fear anymore, just a hardened heart that felt no love or pain. No tears came to me anymore. I cried them all out. Nothing, empty.
Life was not a gift, but a place I did not want to be a part of.
Violence was a normal part of my day. In the fight, I felt complete.
The harm of those around me filled that empty whole in my chest, temporarily.
I felt no regret, I felt no love. I didn't care about anyone or anything. I just wanted the emptiness in my heart to end.
Years again go by this way, I go through several women, taking from them all I wanted, leaving them with nothing, not even a word.
The agony of life continues to assault my inner being. I cant stand it, but I cannot end it.
I begin to look for peace, because the monster within me is eating me alive.
I don't know where it came from, a spark of hope, an angel who until now was silent?
I began to realize that I needed to focus on more in this life other than my inner turmoil from the past.
I became a seeker of truth and love, wondering if it was real, through this time the monster inside me was sleeping.
I built a family with two different women I felt were good enough to love.
The monster would show itself from time to time when I was too weak to fight it off, but was generally left in the background simmering, waiting.
As years go by, I grow apart from my chosen loves, replaced with thoughts of mediocrity and false pride.
The monster begins to wake up and show its teeth again, not happy with its existence in the dark corner of my mind where I imprisoned it.
I learn to live with that beast and use it for my ends, a full grown man with a deeper understanding of who he is and his capabilities.
I put on the uniform, my symbol of truth and bravery and real pride.
I want to put the monster to work, give it something to do.
I choose the path and point the direction.
I build confidence in who I am and have no limits in my mind of what I can accomplish.
So focused, determined, powerful.
Other hardened men begin to respect me and follow me blindly.
I become strong in body and mind, the monster was happy, feeding on the energy of my will.
Again I search for death, but not my own, the death of evil doers, violators of children's innocence. Men of bad character and lies. Abusers of peace and happiness.
I am not afraid, I am not at war with myself anymore, but of those I name my enemy.
I search for them gladly. I command others who follow me to seek them out and deal Gods wrath upon them.
A Paladin of old, in search of truth and justice which ends in blood.
Through this time, the monster gets its fill and begins to age and wither within me, leaving me to deal with reality again, going back to the dark cell within the dark corner of my mind. Again it sleeps, watching, learning, waiting.
Years again go by this way.
I meet someone I did not intend.
Someone different, a person of quality I have never known.
She assails my heart with a ferocity I cannot defend.
Her light shines within me, limiting those dark corners of my mind, warming my heart.
Her resolve is powerful, her soul is kind. Blasting away the years of pent up frustration and agony.
She calms me and keeps me close, filling me with love and happiness.
The monster begins to fade away, no need to stay.
I don't need you anymore.
No need to hide you for a rainy day, no need to bring you out to protect me.
I am finally free
I am finally safe
