new spaces [ without you ]

i don't remember the last
time i broke down, crying over

unspilled milk,
unwavering support.

why does everything feel
hazy around the edges?

i'm the same person,
yet these surroundings i fear
will never merge into a home.

what if this
disconnection
lasts forever?

it's only the first morning,
the first of many,

but i don't want to be here.

i've sat with a thousand
shades of loneliness before,
but this feels evolved -
unmanageable.

i know this takes time
but what if it takes too long?
what if i give up just when
everything shifts again?

i thought i'd feel safe
on my own,
but i have no one here
and no one to see the ways
in which i go

slowly.

-
written 9/10/22