It has been incredibly
difficult
to be inside my head
as of late.
I weaned off of
my antidepressants
a couple of months ago
because I wanted
to use the skills I've learned in DBT
to navigate life.
Around the same time,
I stopped taking hormonal birth control
as I didn't feel it was worth
the potential health risks long-term.
Meanwhile,
I've navigated a new diagnosis (HS),
suffered from side effects on a new medication,
and rolled off of that medication.
My physical health
has been debilitating at times
where my hands feel so much pain
I can barely grip
and I drop thinks constantly.
The only doctor that listens
is my chiropractor,
and he says that he feels many of my issues
are autoimmune
stemming from my gut.
This would make sense
as I have had GI issues
my
entire
life.
IBS became the name for that,
and I was told to basically
"deal with it."
For nearly two years,
I have exercised consistently
several times a week;
strength training HARD
to avoid cardio's cortisol raising effects.
I've worked on my diet
eating no more than 1800 calories a day
per the dietician's advice
despite the fact I felt starved
when a woman my height, my age, my activity level
needs around 2500 maintenance.
Yet nothing seems to help
lose the weight I gained over the years.
Yeah,
I'm stronger now.
I can leg press over 300 pounds
without batting an eye.
Yeah,
simple tasks are easier
like carrying groceries,
or going for a walk.
Yeah,
my cholesterol has lowered significantly.
But no,
I don't feel like I've done enough.
No,
I am incredibly unhappy with the way I look.
No,
I am still losing nothing no matter how little I eat
or how much I exercise.
Which brings me back
to the thought,
maybe something is wrong with me
that bloodwork can't define?
Navigating physical health,
has been exhausting.
Starting a new job
has been tiring.
Figuring out the trauma inside
has been terrifying.
EMDR is the next step,
gut testing is the next step,
yet I struggle
with radical acceptance
of the fact
that I'm doing my best.
I am giving it my all.
Because I have been conditioned
throughout an entire lifetime
that my 100%
will never, ever be enough.
