Every time I close my eyes
I still see you looking at me,
I hear the sound of your shaky breath
and the expression in your eyes.
The feel of your hand in mine,
gently squeezing my hand back
as I whisper that I love you
and it's ok to let go now.
I knew the day was coming
as we fought your disease,
we all knew the day would come
but I thought we had more time.
The years of hurt and anger,
the poison I grew up with
as you fought your own fights
and made your own mistakes.
You raised me in brokenness,
I didn't know what was "normal",
all my relationships get damaged
cause I only had your example.
I remember the day our relationship broke
and the betrayal that filled my heart,
years of distance and anger
and a relationship the last thing I wanted.
But the day you got the news,
when that diagnosis shook our lives,
there was no one else to step up
so your caretaker I became.
Through the years of your battle
we formed a new relationship,
as I brushed your thinning hair
and held your hand through every treatment.
I held you the day you cried
as we had to cut your hippy hair,
every time it just hurt too much
and I swallowed my own pain.
The battles with doctors,
always going to bat for you,
and the day you were hospitalized
I made them fear my name.
Seven years of this being life,
I moved closer despite my desires,
your care always took a toll
but I'd smile until I was home.
Now when I close my eyes
I see you take your last breath,
I hear the nurses fighting to get you back
and myself whispering "please".
My brother and I holding each other
as we know you've already decided
but not willing to stop fighting....
and I have to make the call.
I saw it days before in your eyes
when you looked at me and said
"I'm trying baby but I'm tired"
and we both knew what that meant.
Hysterical crying and begging
then quiet resignation
knowing all I can say is...
"It's ok, you can let go now".
Since that day my worlds been crumbled,
nothing really feels quite right,
I miss you as much as I'm angry,
cause I hate you just a little.
Screaming in pain and anger
cause you left an absolute mess,
sucking it up, can't cry anymore,
because your consequences all fell on me.
Family hurting, lash out at me now,
cause I was the one that took you away
knowing I couldn't hold onto you,
everyone's grief now my problem.
I miss you with every breath I take,
I hate you just as much though,
but why did you have to leave me?
Losing you wreaked my world.
In all the anger, pain and sorrow,
the moments where I just hate you....
In the end of it all though...
I guess I just miss my dad.
