Someday

I will have to live without you someday;
I need to come to terms with that.
But nothing is more soul-crushing than knowing that someday when I walk through
your door you won’t be there to greet me with your cheesy dad smile and “hey crys!”
You’ve been sick so much recently;
In and out of the hospital with the latest and worst conditions and complications-
And my heart drops every single time wondering if this one will be the last.
Someday you will either go to sleep and not wake up;
Or you will leave for the hospital for a final time
and not return home and diesel will never be able to understand what happened to you.
Charlie will ask to talk to you and I’ll have to tell her you’re in heaven with deedee.
Someday you may be watching tv one minute and
just gone the next;
With no chance for goodbyes and no warning signs,
Just you on the couch in your house with the heater on your legs and hopefully no cigarette in your hand.
But still.
Someday the world stopping reality will hit that you’ll no longer be here to talk my ear off
Or to laugh at diesels excitement when I walk through the door;
Or to make me dinner or to binge watch tv shows with-
Or to watch me graduate college or even harder,
to watch my daughter grow up.
You’re a stubborn old man and I’ve spend nearly all of my adulthood taking care of you but I was making
up for lost time.
I was trying to make up for lost time but-
There will never be enough of it and I will never want you to go.
Someday I will have to face that and accept it.
Someday I will live in a world without you and
dad-
Most days I fear that someday will be sooner than later but I don’t want to live
without you any day and I don’t know how to accept that someday-
I will not have a choice in the matter.