The way he stared at me, like I was a ghost.
Like I lost all resemblance of who I once was.
I stood in front of him, looking him straight in the eyes.
Hoping, praying he could see me.
Internally begging him to just hold on, just a little bit longer.
“I’m still in here, I promise.”
We’re the words I wanted to say,
but of course my pride got in the way.
This depression, it’s excruciating-
it is my best friend and my worst enemy.
I can’t seem to escape my own head,
I keep thinking that this will be the end.
He can’t put up with the grief he can’t see,
I can expect him to understand me.
This is a feeling I’m not even familiar with,
I just know it feels safe.
But the only thing I hate, is that I’m pushing him away.
I see him drifting further away, looking at me with anger and rage.
I’m crying inside but it comes out as screams.
Why won’t he just hug me?
He doesn’t know how it feels to be trapped beneath your own words,
Like your still in your body but you can’t controls the urge.
To yell and fight and push people away,
you just want a hug and to beg them to stay-
But inside I’m breaking but he can’t see.
Lately everything is so hard for me.
It takes everything inside me just to care for our kids,
I put the depression down as painful as it is.
I’m aching,I’m shaking, I’m screaming at the top of my lungs-
But it comes out as silence.
I just lay here staring at the walls,
with nothing and everything running through my head.
My mind is spinning in every direction,
but watching paint dry seems easier than acknowledging the pain-
than actually understanding why I feel this shame.
The guilt is agonizing, but I don’t know what I feel guilty for.
Maybe the fact that I’m not the same.
The wife and the mom that they thought they knew,
Is buried deep inside me begging to be released-
but the hold this depression has on me keeps pushing her down,
telling her it’s not okay to come out.
But she’s still here and she is fighting,
she won’t stop until she can see the light.
She is stronger than she feels right now.
One day she will be better,
but not today and probably not tomorrow-
It might take awhile.
This demon is trapped in my body,
And I can’t seem to push it out.
It takes all that I am and turns me inside out.
I don’t have the power to break free,
It takes every ounce of strength away from me.
