The truth started to hit last night as I sank into the couch,
thinking, grieving, trying to ignore the voices in my head.
The unsaid words
The times I didn't visit
No hugs
No goodbyes
No chance to have her meet my daughter
The "could I have done more and been more present"
sets in hard as I internally crumble.
In my lowest, he helps me to bed.
I drag myself into bed and force myself to sleep.
In the morning,
it has semi sunk in that I'll never see her again,
Never get a tight squeeze hug anymore,
Never see her smile or hear her laugh again.
But there is also no more pain,
No more missing of her people,
No more suffering and sadness.
I lay in bed as all of this swirls, twists and rolls around in my head.
I'm sad but calm.
But now comes,
What do I say?
What do I do?
What comes next?
That is to be figured out another day.
