Just like the ocean,
so calm and serene
then like a wave taking over
treacherous and mean
pulling me under
stealing my precious air
drowning in the darkness
a blank cold stare
frozen in my seat
but perfectly still features
don’t show anything’s wrong
yet the ocean in me stirs
my legs start to tremble
hands tighten, balling into fists
readjust in my chair,
takes all my energy to resist
spine stiffens, jaws clench
throat closes, abducting my words
something you wouldn’t understand
to you I’m just being absurd
you, telling me to get over it
that I’m perfectly fine
still, I’ve prepared for that hit,
the one I know isn’t coming this time
I’m lost in your words,
just like I’m lost in these feelings
the ocean is getting deeper
my reasoning it’s stealing
your badgering won’t bring me back
it doesn’t show me ‘the errors of my ways’
you honestly think I haven’t been told before
that I don’t know, that I’m actually okay
I retreat into survival mode
I’ve lived there so long
what you call weak,
I call strong
you don’t know this place
if you did, you wouldn’t have brought me here
territory where you fight just to keep breathing
and where you don’t want anyone near
the only person I want near,
I don’t want to distress
so I fall apart on my own
be buried in my own mess
how much I need him,
he’ll never know
because that weakness
that I can’t show
just give me some time
I’ll collect all my remains
put them back together
and hide the pain
then you can yell at me
how there’s nothing wrong
that I should just let it go
it’s because my faith isn’t strong
as the octaves get higher
my heart quickens it’s beat
just as I was gaining composure
now I’m back to wanting to retreat
starts all over again
and you do this without a care
so don’t be surprised if next time
you find that I’m not there
I’ve lived through the trauma
I don’t need the anxiety on repeat
and even though I’ve explained it to you
you still have me quivering in my seat
you make me wish,
I never took the time to open up to you
because what was the point
if you didn’t think any of it was true
don’t underestimate my ocean,
it may drown me,
but it can take you under as well,
and it’s something you won’t even see
it has a vengeance,
you know nothing about,
then you’ll finally understand
once you’re down here, there’s no way out...
