i used to think that you hurt and degraded me because of something i did. that something inside of me caused you to take your love away, pirouette into the wind. and i did everything i could to destroy the parts of myself i found unworthy. if i were to attempt to encapsulate the essence of my being, in a mere handful of words, i would dare to label myself as nothing less than a tragically captivating battlefield. remnants of struggle linger, a haunting testament to the ceaseless war waged within one's own mind and heart. a constant reminder that i almost didn’t survive you.
you have been like lead, you have been like asbestos. you have been fiberglass in my bedsheets and the floor of my home. you are bad medicine. i will treat my experience of you like an inoculation. i will be wary of those who remind me too much of you. i wish i had never let you into my space. i regret that you ever got into my head for as long as you did but i’m so glad i didn’t let you win. never in my life have i met someone so utterly controlled by their own fear. your eyes paint monstrous faces onto everything you see until you lash out in defense because you see someone raising their hand to hit you. i almost didn’t survive you.
and then she found me, like the first breeze in the the spring, she breathed life into my world once more. she kissed my scars and cleansed my soul, hands like holy water. i close my eyes and i can hear her and everything is calm and still. her voice feels like liquid courage and safety, like a breeze of air for my suffocating moments. words lack the terderness and angelic meaning that should be given to her presence. her stare is like green pools that keep my butterflies alive and the way she looks at the world is like a curious child, in love with mother earth and all things in it. the twinkle in her eye crosses my mind the most when i’m dangling in empty spaces - she could pull the best of every situation out with just a stare.
you lead me straight to the other half of me. i am full of love for the world we live in, i love seeing the beauty in nature and people and art and everything. and although you hurt me then, i can do nothing but thank you and all the stars now. for a gift from the universe at the expense of you.
