The choices I have made, this one in particular,
will not grant me any reprieve.
This space I occupy is riddled with patterns
of shame I can't seem to make sense of.
All I had to do was step back.
Back from the ledge.
I'd done it many times before.
But I gave in, without hesitation.
I don't even remember making a conscious decision.
Everything I learned,
everything I loved,
became distant memories in my mind.
I didn't care when the lights flashed outside,
or when the walls shook as the knocking
became more and more aggressive.
I blocked reality out -
a freeze response,
tucked tightly in the corner.
[Please, don' find me.] But they did.
[Please, don't hurt me.] But I did.
A foggy brain, not able to return home,
locked in another preventable mess.
I could have stopped this
before it sank me further,
but it's hard to tread water
when lungs are filled with hopelessness.
