Take me back

Take me back to the days when your coughing fits were the worst of it-
When I thought it was bad that you’d forget to turn the stove off and realize it 20 minutes later after you’ve eaten.
We laughed about it but you’d thought you hadn’t done it in a while and you’d done it 4 times in 2 months;
You were exhausted.
Back when you still got up at 5am every morning to drink your coffee and watch the news;
Clean the house every couple of days and make three meals a day for us in between your tv shows and movies.
Christmas looked like two presents each and homemade cookies;
Me working and you napping with the dog you loved so much.
Things were so simple but yet I panicked over everything and there wasn’t much to panic about.
You’d come down the city parades with me every once in a while-
Pride and Christmas and thanksgiving it didn’t matter because if I begged you enough to go with me you did.
We binge watched the John wicks and the fast and furious’s and you ate your peach rings and me my Oreos;
We always had cheez it wars but you took your insulin and kept up with your appointments easily;
They weren’t as bad back then.
Then came the amputation;
Then the diagnosis and the heart attack followed by multiple hospital trips for your lungs-
With just enough time to breathe before the infections and more hospitalizations and amputations.
Anxiety and stress inducing events leading into the demise of my mental health-
I became so focused on keeping you alive I forgot to live with you.
The movies became less and less;
Christmases were spent in the hospital with no presents or cookies and I cried myself to sleep for months on and off for two years.
I begged god every single time just to give me more time and he did;
But this time he didn’t.
It’s kind of poetic how your tv went out just before you did;
That was my first sign things were about to fall apart and you did too-
Couldn’t walk or drive or go to the bathroom or eat by yourself.
I probably cried a lifetime of tears in those four days and even more in the first three weeks after you died-
I just want things to go back to the way they were before you got sick.
I wish you could come back so we can rewind time and go back to those days,
Even if just for a day.