Enduring you, enduring me.

Another poem asking for the impossible.

Another night wishing you were here.

Except, don't I remember?

You were never physically inside these walls.

But you were here, in spirit.

In transitory dreams.

In voicemails replayed.

In the approaching dark.

In my half-dissociated mind.

You were a constellation.

One that I couldn't always see.

One that remained despite my frozen state.

Despite the inability to lift my head.

I miss you in ways I've missed myself.

And I don't understand if I became too close.

Or if this was my first experience with trust.

Here's to another midnight of wondering.

Another midnight wanting to blame myself.

Another midnight protecting you.

Even though you hurt me more than you know.

More than you admitted you could fathom.

I'm sorry I could not be more.

I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself back.

I'm sorry I believed the world was ending.

I'm sorry I don't know how I'll continue.

Even though I do, I always do.

_______________________________

Written while listening to a song I just discovered: "I Hold You" by CLANN

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNGmyQ8UbZ8&list=PL9SsxaKeg_-kwk3d15oBubjyk_RmJekQI&index=4