I never thought
that I would be
writing these words,
"my brother has cancer."
It still doesn't
make any sense.
That a little boy
who did nothing wrong
in this world
has to suffer
such a monstrous disease.
I never thought
that one day
I'd find myself
in the "quiet room"
hearing the words,
"he has Leukemia."
Nothing
ever
prepared me
for this.
I never thought
I'd watch
my baby sister scream
in agony
hearing that
our 5 year old brother
has to go through all of this.
That he is extremely ill.
That he has to endure chemotherapy.
That he has to have a port in his chest.
That he has to be poked and prodded countless times.
That this has to go on for at least two years.
That his entire life will never, ever be the same.
Every single thing
that he knew
is gone.
Life is now hospitals,
treatment,
medication,
isolation,
and illness.
He doesn't get to be
a kindergartener
worried about
which crayon to color with,
and for that to be
his only concern.
He has no option,
but to be brave
because he has to beat this.
He has to...
Thoughts of,
"why couldn't it be me?"
run rampant
because I know I could take this on
so that he doesn't have to.
I know that I would understand
what's happening,
so he doesn't have to.
I know that I would be okay,
so he doesn't have
to wonder if he will be.
I watch
as he struggles with side effects
and doesn't understand
why he can't be home.
I wince
as I notice the bruising
from the cancer running through his blood.
I cry
as he screams because he doesn't
want another needle
piercing his skin.
I worry
as they tell us the laundry list
of things he's going to go through.
I hope
that he won't lose his spark
battling this beast.
My world shattered
because I can't make this go away
for him.
I can't protect him
from this.
I am just an audience
as he fights for his life.
It is gut wrenching
that this is reality now,
and I won't let this pain
make me lose hope.
I know that
we will do everything
to help him defeat this.
He may not comprehend
what is happening to him,
but he is the strongest
little boy I know.
I love this little guy,
and I will do whatever it takes
to guide him through.
