This ache hasn't dissipated in 44 days.
Its consistency has shifted, immigrated.
I feel the loneliness in new ways each week.
Questioning if you were real,
wondering if I exaggerated the pain,
blaming myself for being too human.
I remember the hardest moments,
when I stood to leave with an exhale.
I remember a pause then a reminder:
"take care, please be safe".
Sometimes, I turned around and walked away.
Sometimes, I chose to stay and challenge you,
your care for me unimaginable, undeserved.
When your expressions morphed into questions,
"can you keep yourself safe?",
it triggered a reaction, an aggravation.
And when I relayed this frustration,
you'd quietly say how it concerned you.
It's a cycle I'm trying to break.
This deep need to have someone care,
to have someone be so concerned
that it stops them in their tracks.
It's not healthy to want that intensity.
But that level of care is what I didn't have.
My years of development smothered with doubt.
Then the contradictions pour in.
The incessant need to push away,
after wanting care so desperately.
The refusal to believe I'm worthy.
Grant myself grace, the way I would for others.
And oh do I try, even when it feels like nothing.
I wish the logical mind could convince me.
I wish I didn't take your decision personally,
letting it convince me I'm a lost cause,
letting it steal comfort I once knew.
The nights are hard, but still, I make it through.
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Written while listening to my new favorite instrumental playlist:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feZzLK-YLwg&list=LL&index=5
