Grief has no timeline-
But I wish it did.
I wish I somehow knew exactly how long it would last;
As if there was a step by step guide on when I will be able to sleep again.
Or eat regularly.
Or maybe the exact moment when time starts rolling again and I will finally wake up
and realize that the thought of you doesn’t make me cry anymore.
That looking at a memory of you I’d posted on Facebook however many years ago doesn’t rip my heart out of my chest-
Or that driving down a certain road doesn’t make me cry because we will never drive it again together.
How many times did you drive that road to rescue me in the middle of the night?
I wish I could know the exact moment when time will have finally made it so that your movie collection under my tv stand
Makes it feel more like home rather than a million sob inducing moments that remind me that you are not here anymore-
And you’re never coming back.
I wish grief had a timeline;
That I could know when I’d be able to eat pork chops again without crying because yours were always better,
Or when I’ll be able to stop sleeping with the tv on blast to gaslight myself into believing you’re still in the living room-
when your coat hanging in my closet doesn’t make my legs wobbly and my chest tight with panic.
When the thought of the upcoming holiday’s doesn’t hollow out my chest in the same grotesque manner people hallow out pumpkins.
Grief has no timeline;
But I really wish it did.
Because if it did then at least I’d know there’s hope in a situation that feels so freaking hopeless.
