It is hard
to put into words
how painful it is
to never feel a sense of belonging.
As I grew up,
I never wanted to be myself.
Desperately
I attempted to mold
my very existence
to be something others
would find desirable.
If I could mimic
them well enough,
then maybe
people would like me.
Maybe they would
want me in their lives.
I scanned every single
word
expression
sound
that I possibly could
to ensure it would be something
that stuck with the norm.
Still
I never
was good enough.
I was too annoying,
too loud,
too quiet,
too overbearing,
too...
too much.
It was always,
"too much."
Only after a lifetime
of struggling as an outcast,
of thinking I was inherently wrong,
of struggling to be like everyone else,
do I have a glimpse
of why.
Why is it so hard for me?
I used to sob
until there were no more tears.
I used to strategize
for hours on end.
I used to scream
begging to be like them.
Only now
am I finding the answers
I've sought for years.
The things that
my depression
my anxiety
my BPD
my trauma
never could tell me.
I'm realizing
that it is extremely likely
that I'm
autistic
and that I have
ADHD.
When I piece together
the behaviors I display,
the thoughts inside,
and everything in between,
it makes perfect sense.
I am not bad at life.
I have difficulties
which I never knew existed.
I saw my AuDHD brother
display in a completely
different form
so of course
I thought
"that can't be me."
I've learned how to mask
extremely well.
Fooling not only those around me
but myself too.
No wonder
it felt so much harder
for me to do
the same things
as my peers.
I can hold small talk.
I graduated college.
I have a high-paying job.
I own a house.
I have a loving boyfriend.
I STILL am neurodivergent.
I STILL have barriers no one
will ever understand.
I STILL am trying
to figure out
who I really am.
I am different,
and for my entire life
I thought it was a horrible thing.
Maybe I can change the narrative
of this,
so I can turn my weaknesses
into strengths.
It doesn't have
to be my downfall.
If I could go back
to the little girl
who never understood
why life felt
so difficult
I would tell her
that it isn't her fault.
There has been
an incredible amount
of pain
being myself.
I hope one day
it doesn't carry
that same weight.
