Something that really sucks
is when you realize
that your parents
were never
what you needed.
When you understand
that growing up
you were in fact
traumatized
over and over again.
You had a narcisstic father
who made you
question your own reality.
You had an immature mother
who used you
as a metaphorical punching bag.
You were taught
that your feelings
do not matter.
That it was better to be compliant
than to follow intuition.
That being a kid
equaled being a pain.
That love was conditional.
If you did not give
you did not receive.
If you did not blindly abide
you were defiant.
If you did not console
you would become the target.
You learned that
there were times
you genuinely
feared for your safety.
The memories
of those specific footsteps
coming up the stairs
haunt you.
You remembered how
your stomach would drop
hearing his voice change
because something bad
was about to happen.
Fear
was his motivator of choice.
You find that
you're terrified of yelling
because that was
all you knew
as a child.
You walked on eggshells
desperate to be as quiet
as possible.
You said the least
you could
in order to avoid retaliation.
You were both a parent
and a child.
You had to be more responsible
than your mother
as she struggled to keep
a roof over your head.
You had to abide
by whatever your father said
because to him
you knew nothing.
The mixture of parentification
and infantilization
wreaked havoc on your nervous system.
You weren't allowed
to have complaints
because if you shared
any emotion
other than happiness
you were minimized,
shamed,
and ridiculed.
Talking about things
never made them better--
it made them worse.
It taught you
to catastrophize,
to predict the future,
to overthink
every
single
decision.
Because back then
you could have
an entire presentation
filled with justification,
but that would never
be good enough.
Not until
several years of therapy,
healthy friendships,
and a loving boyfriend,
did you realize...
you were never wrong.
You were not at fault
for the way your parents
treated you.
You were not responsible
for their emotions.
You were just a kid,
and you weren't allowed to be.
Nowadays,
when you're around people
who show you
unconditional love,
it makes you feel shame
because you don't feel
like you deserve kindness.
When your boyfriend's family
treats you
as one of their own
despite you
not having their last name,
you start to truly understand
what family is supposed
to feel like.
It both breaks your soul
and warms your battered heart
because,
"why couldn't my own family
love me
like they do?"
Growth is not only
recognizing what your parents
put you through,
but putting the work in
so that you don't perpetuate
that generational trauma.
It sucks knowing
that the people who were
supposed to build you up
never really did.
It is a constant battle
breaking these behaviors
that kept you alive
for so many years.
The reward
of choosing yourself
is knowing
your future children
will never go through
what you did.
That you
will be the parent
they need.
That they
will experience
all of the love
you never did.
