Depression.

(trigger warning)

Depression is not just the lack of joy.

It’s holding joy
knowing joy
tasting joy

for a millisecond
(or even longer)

then having it ripped away.

It’s the wide-eyed wonder
of a kid in a candy store,
of momentary bliss,

and then the gut-wrenching
realization that you want to die,

being so mad at yourself
for not being grateful,
for not being able to contain joy,

for not having the support of family
be enough to make you stay.

I want to die
I want to die
I want to die

but really,

I just want to be held
and told everything will be okay.

I want to hear it from someone I trust,
but he’s gone now
and I feel like a parasite.

He’ll never see me again.

He never wanted

me.