Mother's Day
is a difficult one
for me.
My mom is still alive,
and I even have a step-mom too.
However,
both relationships
are complicated.
My mother always
meant well.
She wanted to do right
by her kids,
but several factors
prevented that reality.
She experienced complex trauma
raised by parents
who never knew how
to love her.
She married a narcissist
and was emotionally abused
for over a decade.
She struggled financially
as anything that came in
immediately went out.
My mom never
was number one
to anyone in her life,
so she never felt
she was important enough
to care about.
Sadly,
this showed
in how she parented.
Her insecurities
projected onto me.
Her fear of displeasing others
became my fear.
Her pain from her childhood
became my pain.
She was explosive,
volatile,
and sometimes immature.
Yet at her core,
I know she loved me.
I learned that
her dysregulation
was my responsibility.
My step-mother
was a different battle.
She is just like my father-- a narcissist.
Her presence in my life
brought on more disappointment
than anything.
Once the ring
was on her finger,
her true colors came out.
She wanted nothing
to do with
step-children.
I tried to be lovable,
but I wasn't what she wanted.
She pursued the guy
with money,
with stability,
with opportunity to fulfill her needs.
She didn't care
about some teenage girl.
I would give her
the benefit of the doubt,
"this is hard for her"
"this is an abnormal situation"
"teenagers are a lot."
No,
she chose this.
My brother and I
were part of the deal.
We were already here,
and I was willing
to welcome her
with open arms.
I was the only one
excited about
this change.
Where other kids
would be upset
their parent moved on,
I was embracing
the opportunity
to add another parent
into my life.
I struggled
because at that time
I wasn't talking to my mom.
I desperately needed
a mother figure.
I never understood
what I did so wrong
for her to ignore me
with such ease.
Every method I tried
to grow close to her
was met with coldness.
Why wasn't I enough?
In my healing journey,
I've learned how
my caregivers failed me
time and time again.
How it wasn't just
seldom mistakes
every parent makes,
but continuous neglect
and emotional abuse.
With my dad
and step-mom,
emotions are not allowed
unless you're happy.
Anything that fell
out of their parameters
was criticized exorbitantly.
If I was not the perfect child,
I was ridiculed.
With my mom,
I was the parent.
Her emotions were my
job to fix.
When her life fell apart,
I put it back together again.
She was never
a model of responsibility
for me.
For me,
Mother's Day brings a lot
of sadness.
It makes me grieve
what I never had.
I see others so thankful
and proud of how their moms
loved them,
and I wish I could feel that way.
I know my mom
tried her hardest,
and I recognize that
she fell short.
Unlike my step-mom,
I will always
love my mom.
Despite everything,
I have forgiveness
for both of them
in my heart.
I am grateful
for the fact
that my boyfriend's mother
has filled these gaps
when she never needed to.
From the day
I met her,
she has been nothing
but supportive of me.
Because of the nature
of my childhood,
I didn't understand why
she treated me
with kindness.
I was taught
that love is conditional,
yet here she was
treating me like
I was one of her children
when I am not yet
legally binded to her family.
She tells me
how proud she is
of the things I've done.
She includes me
even when my boyfriend
isn't able to be there.
She makes me feel
like there is something
special about me.
Like I am not only important
when I provide something
to others.
My boyfriend's mom
has been paramount
in me understanding
what family
is supposed to be.
That no matter
how difficult a time
a child is having,
you show up for them.
I could never
put into words
how much she has helped me.
One day,
if I'm able to have children,
I hope I break this cycle
and provide them
with the utmost love and compassion
for every part of who they are.
I hope to be the mom
they can count on.
I hope to teach them
to love all the parts of themselves.
Happy Mother's Day
to all of those
who may be struggling
with such a day.
