Our whole family suffered after you died;
All of them left to pick up the pieces of them selves that broke but-
Watching you slowly die for two years nearly took me with you.
Mom and them are hurting;
Feeling kind of hallow inside at the thought of you or crying when a song comes on that you liked.
Laura wishes you were there to meet your grandson and Rae-
She’s praying to god she gets through this pregnancy.
Mom packed your stuff up within hours;
She just wanted to get it over with but I was so angry at her for doing so.
Diesel misses you too;
I’m convinced he constantly wants to be outside because he might still think you’re coming back,
Nothing has ever broke me in the way that does.
Everyone is so heartbroken;
But me?
I stopped living.
Disassociation and escape have been my two best coping mechanisms.
How do I live in a world where you no longer exist?
It’s incomprehensible that you are never. Coming. Back.
I drowned myself in alcohol for three months and;
Most days I still think that if I lay in bed long enough or scream enough obscenities at God in my head-
He might bring you back.
Or build a stairway to heaven for you to walk down.
Or maybe even set up visitation.
Missing you is a constant deep ache in my bones;
It never goes away and it cannot be soothed,
No matter how hard I try.
Your loss is a concrete boulder on my chest-
It knocked the air out of me when it hit and now it’s a constant compression of my ability to breathe or think clearly.
Our whole family suffered when you died, Dad.
But it was me who nearly went with you.
