I am not the same anymore;
I shouldn't be the one anymore.
I am not aware how to process myself
jumbled and lost in mazes of life
unaware what turn will throw me out.
I want to give up;
everyday lures me to giving up.
I wish he would lose himself in me
but I can sense and feel that he won't.
So I need to know
who i am,
what I am,
who I can be:
can I ever be loved?
I can,
but I believe I'm right:
only by him.
Nothing attracts me anymore;
why did you do this to me?
so I still haven't let go, I see.
I promised I'll let go, but will I ever do it?
Are my dreams even real?
Is the respect even real?
You asked me, "what then? what after?"
believe me, I've asked that to my own self
a million times more.
And truth is, I don't know.
I'm not capable anymore.
I don't want to be capable anymore.
Turn me into Elon Musk but not it is nights like these which question my existence on Earth.
It is a debt to pay:
a very heavy debt to pay.
I'll pay it off and then leave this world,
in whatever capacity I can.
I just want to be that one word.
But I know I cannot.
Beneath all the flimsy layers,
I know I'm not adequate.
Stop doing this to yourself.
Stop this torture, sweetie.
This is what they wanted you to do,
worse things,
and look at you: don't you want to show them
that everything they did to you
did not do anything to you?
That you remained unscathed
even after ---
everything.
Please take me home.
Please, I beg you.
Anyway that you deem fit.
I'll not complain.
Please take me home.
