I've never been happy,
not in my childhood, adolescence or as an adult.
Each time I've been knocked down a notch.
A lesson taught, either by family, strangers, or the supposed "love of my life."
So, I sit here and ponder my existence.
Is it worth it?
I'm drowning as a mother, a partner and a friend.
I try to salvage whatever is left of my self-identity,
But how can I recover anything If I've never known
Who I was, am or will be?
How can it be that I'm here today?
Instead of happiness, sadness and regret is all I find.
No matter what I do or say
I am still not good enough.
So, I sit here and drown in sorrow.
Sorrow for the childhood cut too short,
For the adolescent that grew up too quick,
And for the adult without grace.
Throughout my life I've let someone else
dictate and mold me to their every whim.
Lost and navigating this life without a compass.
Staying resilient, because giving up is not an option.
Giving up would be too easy.
I will continue moving through the fog,
the negativity and the false testaments of love.
I will continue being a mother, partner and friend
while I silently drown in self-hate
Masquerading as sorrow.
