i've been lost beyond my wit
since the moment i stepped into the sea,
chasing anything
that will help me forget everything
that once happened to me.
dead with a dream,
breathing in nocturnal sighs,
drinks, pills, skin,
things i am seeing
to get a long lost high,
anything to make me feel alive.
there's only one real high
i now know which can save me from all of my turmoil:
find him and keep him for all of my life,
everything else is temporary paradise,
but there is only one real one out there.
you'll close your eyes, you said,
what do you want from me
i think in my head:
do you really like me?
or would it have been anyone
who'd walked in that door that day?
i think it could be anyone,
and I wonder,
do I want to do this?
allow myself to feel and be loved in return?
what do i do?
if you weren't a real person,
i'd have used you up in all of my dreams.
but you are very real,
unlike all the characters from my stories.
you try calling me cutie,
turn yourself into my imaginary boyfriend
and say you'd have been hurt if it had happened to me,
but darling, the real thing is,
what if you become him
but leave me.
That would hurt me and
I don't want to hurt again.
I want to be held very delicately,
I wonder if you can do this?
do you know, darling, we are very similar,
committing to one-sided loves forever.
there is so much we don't know
and i'm one for not spilling,
it's become so much that i have now lost count
of the number of times
i got wasted, in the dark corners of breweries,
high on things worse than weed,
and everything else i hated,
until i came back home all sobered up,
and one day, i puked blood
and knew that everything had gotten too much
and i needed to get a grip and stop
before what they tried real hard to do to me
would happen like a prophecy.
