I suppose it's better to write than to lay it all on you. You have far too much on your emotional plate to worry about mine.
I've been crying daily. I am absolutely terrified of the future because of our past. There are times where I'd consider abandoning all of my efforts and just continue living my cocooned life. A life that, sadly, I'm already beginning to grieve. I look around me and see who and what I'm leaving behind and it makes me question all of my choices. Sometimes I think about staying because I'm afraid I won't make it alone.
I know you'd say that you'll be with me. But to what extent? And to what end? I'm afraid to rely on you. I can't even talk to you about my fears because it's hard for you to bear. I have so much sludge in my psyche that I haven't been able to flush out and it's clogging up my airways. The fear and apprehension is persistent and they won't let me free-fall into this new life.
I realize that in the end I'm gonna have to do this on my own. But I wish I won't have to. I wish that one day you'd be able to take care of me. I want nothing more than to be yours, adored and admired, respected and desired. Cared for. Spoiled.
