I wish I could go back to the night that we were jumping on the guest bed-
And freeze time.
I wish I just pause everything for one day and stay in that single moment in time.
The air was thick with laughter as I tried not to hit my head off the ceiling;
You were so amused at my kid like personality as you eventually jumped on the mattress with me.
Springs creaking underneath our weight-
The comforter was in shambles but my heart was still intact.
And so were we.
And so you see sometimes I wish so desperately to go back to the innocence of that night;
Before the memories of that room turned into me crying myself to sleep alone,
Or locking myself in so you couldn’t hurt me.
The sound of your snoring minutes after you finally stopped pounding beers and went to bed almost always made me cry harder.
It wasn’t long before every room in that house slowly started to remind me of all the hurt and anger that had become us.
That night then became foreign to me;
Like it was two different people in a completely different house,
As I slowly started to watch the light in my eyes and my spirit fade with the golden hue that was that particular night.
You continuously broke me like a wine glass and then threw a half-hearted apology over the shards;
And after that-
everything good you tried to pour into me just spilled right through the cracks.
I often wonder if the man I saw that night was ever really you;
Because he never really returned after that first concussed fight.
I ache to go back and pause on that specific moment in time;
Because that’s the last time I ever remember being fully happy with you and-
If I could just experience it one more time maybe I could gaslight myself into forgetting that the rest of it ever happened.
Maybe then I wouldn’t dream of your demise as much as I typically do.
Maybe then-
I wouldn’t hate you so much for playing the role of a man until I believed it and
only revealing yourself to be a coward after it was too late to leave.
