Some days,
One word,
One scent,
One tone of voice,
One question,
One thought,
Is all it takes
To dismantle
The wall in my brain
And suddenly
My reality
Falls away,
I’m drowning
In my memories
Igniting fear and misery
So intense
I would rather
Force my hand inside my heart
And rip out
My beating heart
All I want
Is for it to stop
But I’m paralyzed
Stuck to relive
Every excruciating detail
Driven to madness
Until something can
Anchor me
Back to reality,
After the snapback
I reconstruct the walls
Making them thicker
And more resilient
At least
That’s what I tell myself,
Any delusion
To make me feel
Safe,
The walls slowly changing
My personality,
The masks become more
Believable,
They have to be,
The disconnect less
Noticeable,
But the anger and irritability,
Seep out more,
The sarcasm
Now cuts like a knife
And I am
Bloodthirsty,
Tears are the last thing
From my mind,
To try and soothe
My broken soul
So I let the trauma
Fester,
Because vengeance
Isn’t attainable,
Continue to lie to myself,
I’m fine;
I don’t care;
It is what it is;
This is how my trauma
Breaks me,
Some days
It’s panic attacks,
And depression,
Disassociation and,
Insomnia,
Then other days,
It’s malice,
And annoyance,
Cynicism and destructive
And some days,
It’s everything all at once;
Even though all the
Physical wounds have healed
And the tears have all dried
My survival mode
May eventually start to fade,
I will still
Always;
Live with those,
Some days…
