The caverns that hold
My depression,
Anxiety,
And fear
Are filled with darkness.
A void- inescapable at best.
I am not myself.
I repeat those words in my head;
As my hands move,
My feet move,
But my mind remains motionless.
Im watching myself
Physically spiral out of control;
Counting the minutes,
The seconds,
Until I can gain control
over my own body.
My breaths sound foreign,
My voice alien-
My vocal chords
Tangled and estranged
From me
Evoke sounds
That push me over the edge.
I can't stop myself.
I'm grasping at the cave walls,
Stepping in puddles of water,
Seeing a light that is unattainable
And far away.
The secrets the caverns hold
Bare the weight of my traumas.
Heavy,
Slowly and painfully
Crushing what little spirit I have left
To Fight.
I don't want to do this anymore-
Holding these secret pains.
I don't want to do this anymore-
Harboring the deep, dark void
That embraces me
Like an old friend,
And slashes me like an enemy.
I'm exhausted.
Tired of fighting the good fight.
Tired of spiraling out of control.
Tired of watching my life take paths
Without me.
Watching this fragile life I've formed
Delicately maneuver past my
trauma,
Depression,
Anxiety,
Personality disorder...
A life I knew I didn't want,
And was forced to live anyway.
I life I chose to end,
But managed to survive.
What a heavy shame
To carry.
But the caverns won't tell
My secret.
