Hard-core.
That's what they say.
Me against myself...
Dragging knives across my back,
Skin splitting-
Mind numb.
"Sacrifice of hiding in the light;"
Mask on,
Eyes painted brightly...
Underneath
A grotesque monster.
Twisted in my mind;
Because I like the way
I hurt you.
I
I
Like the way
"I'm double sided-"
Like a dagger that slices
the palm that holds it,
Even as it stabs the enemy.
I like the way
I
I lose control...
My anger shredding me,
No,
Making me static-
edges fizzled out,
No, spiky-
sharp and vicious.
But listen
"I'm
Working on my mindfulness,
I can't control my breath,"
Each ballooning of my lungs
Another vivid reminder of the
Physical prison im trapped in.
Inhale and exhale
Obsession finds the corners
Of my mind,
I'd do anything to have you,
Keep you,
"Why?
I'd never walk away-"
Why?
I blame myself,
But why am i this way?
"After all,
She had a mother.
She had a father.
As so many do."
But the blurred memories
Are distant
And taste off...
Like slightly rotten fruit.
Every step
Another mistake.
And when night closes in,
Bringing with it the warmth
I never recieved as a child;
Fantasies of death
Dance before me.
The peace.
The solitude.
The never ending darkness.
I'm but a speck of nothing.
I jerk awake,
My fist punching the mirror
Breaking the paranoia;
The family heirloom
Of schizophrenia
Laying shattered on the floor.
In a blink,
The euphoria
Swallows me,
Bathing me in a
glorious yellow glow.
I've defeated myself.
I've defeated my delusions.
I've defeated...
Who?
Who am I?
Who am I as the sky turns lilac
And clouds fade yellow?
Looking to these broken
Pieces of delusion and fear,
A Picasso of my face;
Deformed,
Malnourished.
Who am I?
Seeking penance
For my sins,
Wondering where
My life begins...
And where it ends.
Losing myself to the traumas
I saw a lifetime ago
Was in
And of itself,
A precious gift.
For if I had more to give...
It would have been ripped from me.
2
Eyes vacant
Chest open,
Heart laying bare.
God,
This hurts.
It hurts to feel.
It hurts to see.
It hurts to be me.
Jumping from emotion
to emotion,
Parkour.
Feeling elated
Then deflated;
A never ending
Rekilling of myself
With uppers and downers.
My heart doesn't know
Which way to go...
A dizzying flurry of emotions,
But no persona to hold it all.
I stare down at my hands;
This lost feeling of lucidity-
A fleeting, floating moment...
Feeling unsettled beneath my skin.
"Borderline Personality Disorder"
The words shatter my world.
What does it mean?
To have feelings so intense?
To have no sense of self?
To wander and always feel lost?
To perceive abandonment?
To swing back and forth like a pendulum?
Flip the script.
To swing back and forth like a pendulum,
To perceive abandonment,
To wander and always feel lost,
To have no sense of self,
To have feelings so intense,
That's what it means.
The fears of loneliness
Fill my hollow mind.
Please don't leave me
Even as I attack viciously.
Please don't leave me
Even as I scream with rage.
Please don't leave.
But I can't help it,
Even as I beg you to stay,
I'm disgusted.
With you.
With myself.
With every low I hit.
Constantly walking on the
Eggshells of my own existence,
Afraid to trigger an episode;
Rageful, depressive, manic-
Spin the wheel.
Each trigger is like glass shards
In my feet,
Small enough to be unseen,
large and sharp enough
to feel startlingly painful.
At every minor inconvenience
My mind screams
"Suicide,"
I'm exhausted.
Tired of fighting to live.
A life of what?
Emptiness...
Confusion...
Despair...
Masking...
Hiding...
Crying...
Its a brand new day,
And the euphoria
Starts again.
Brilliant rays of sun
Tracing my skin
In a delicate warmth.
Feeling an elatedness
That boasts of positivity,
A yellow buoy
Amid my tumultuous sea
Of feelings.
But then the rage-
Oh! The rage.
A minor inconvenience
Sets the dominoes
Toppling.
My blood is boiling,
My skin seething with anger.
My eyes can't see straight,
My heart racing.
The rage,
a palpable feeling
In my palms.
These cyclic moods
Are Moving faster
than the Winds
of a hurricane,
I don't know if I'm up
Or down,
But it's definitely a spiral.
I stumble along,
Trying to keep up
With my rapidly changing moods,
With my ever starving need for affection...
I can't help feeling so alone.
Like you've long since left me behind.
Empty-handed and lonesome,
I look to the stars.
There's no one waiting for me there.
So I'll sit idly by,
Watching the clouds roll on-
Feeling the night time breeze
As the dust settles
And my mood swings freeze.
I'll wait for deaths sweet embrace.
And I'll wait until the end of time.
