I spent most of my life
in a repressed state.
The only thing that mattered
was survival.
"If I could get through today,
then maybe I will be okay."
As I age
I find myself
wanting to remember.
Not because
I want to experience it again,
but because
if I can recall these memories
then maybe it was real.
I would be able
to stop invalidating myself
for other's gain,
and I could give myself
the benefit of the doubt
this time.
My childhood
wasn't particularly treacherous
to the general person.
I had my physical needs met,
and I even had birthday parties here and there.
What many fail to realize
is behind closed doors
I was terrified.
Each knock on the door
sent me spiraling,
"What did I do wrong this time?"
I paid attention
to the nature of their footsteps
because that determined
how much I needed to fear.
That's as much
as my body allows me to know
years later.
When I question myself,
I think back to what a younger me felt.
She never had a voice
because that was not allowed.
She had to predict her parents' actions
because if she didn't
she suffered the consequences.
Living in a house
where you wait for the other shoe to drop
is an experience I'd never wish
on anyone.
It suffocated the personality
I could've had.
It made me grow up
way too fast.
It robbed me of positive life experiences
because being a kid
was the worst thing I could be.
Through this journey
of reparenting myself
I realize
they could never take one thing away:
love.
I am able to love unconditionally
and with intensity.
Something they never could understand.
My future children
will never have to ask themselves,
"Why don't they love me?"
because I will make sure
not to repeat the mistakes
my parents made.
I will fill their childhood
with memories that they look back at
and say, "My parents adored me."
They will know what repairs are
when ruptures occur.
They will be allowed
to have opinions and objections.
This cycle will not continue,
not as long as I am breathing.
Children deserve
to remember their childhood fondly.
That is the bare minimum requirement
as a parent.
