I Only Want A Reason

When I was little everything was wonderful,
My future, it seemed so bright.
But then the fighting began,
Nothing was right.

Now I'm sorry I'm not perfect,
I never will be.
Can't you see I'm sorry,
I'm sorry this is me.

I used to be excepted,
Before the fighting changed my face.
Everything was fine,
Before my mother left me, she left me here in this place.

I loved you daddy,
I truly did,
But then you met that lady,
I started to think, does he love me, maybe just a little bit?

I was crushed,
When you sent me away.
You said you didn't want me,
You said I was your stray.

So here I am with mommy,
Nothing is the way I want.
I'm not trying to be selfish,
It's like I'm here just for them to taunt.

We decided to move back,
And everything was how I dreamed.
But then that man, that bastard of a man,
Came back and haunted me.

Well here we are,
I'm all alone.
I often think of knifes,
Wondering just how deep they could really go.

I wouldn't harm myself,
Even when I think it's the only way.
It's merely thoughts in my mind,
I want to drift away.

Would they notice if a vanished,
Would they even care?
I cry at night and can not sleeping,
Thinking the only one who truly cares is my misfortuned teddy bear.

I look at the holes in which I have stitched,
Realizing I am like my teddy bear.
No matter how I try to cover them up,
They will always be there.

I try desperately to fill the holes,
I feel so alone.
My thoughts return to knifes,
Could it reach the bone?

I often ask god, what's my purpose,
You put me here now I demand a reason.
You created me, now give me life,
I fear I may commit treason.

Now you wanted me here,
Show me the way.
I want a purpose,
As to my suffering each day.

When I crawl into my bed,
I think of you each night.
Why have you forsaken me,
What didn't I do right?

I shall perform my nightly ritual,
As I pull the covers up.
The tears pour out, I hold my pillow,
No matter what I do, I can't be tough.

I slither out of bed,
And creep to my window.
Staring out at the stars,
My tears start to dry as I feel the wind blow

I sit there for a moment,
Thankful my tears no longer fall.
Only for a moment there,
I didn't heed your call.

But then I reform those tears,
They just seem to come back.
Please god, I only ask for a reason,
I hold out my heart and plead to you, please take away this crack.

I hear a noise, the tears I wipe,
And form a fake old smile.
Behind I hide my pitty, behind I hide my sorrow.
I lock it away in my secret file,
And pray for a reason, so that I can see tomorrow.

Megan 2004 §