Redneck Divorce

I burnt down the church where we were married.
It was an eyesore and needed to go.
I shot my best man Georgie in the foot,
He didn't stop me; and he had to know!

He must have known about Pastor Wilson,
And all the male members of the church choir.
Hell, you were probably sleeping with him too!!!
I should have shot him a little bit higher!

Why that knuckle dragging son of a sow!!!!!!
I should drive by his house and run down his cat!!!!
It's the night the lights go out on Georgie,
As soon as I locate my baseball bat!!!

Is there anyone you didn't sleep with???
You even slept with old man McNevin!!!
It gives me the creeps to think about it!!
I mean, his wrinkled butt is ninety seven!!

I know you THINK you got the best of me!
And maybe I might sound a little bitter.
You used to say I acted like a child;
But YOU needed a damn baby sitter!!!

The only reason you're still in this house
Is I host the Super Bowl party this year!
All of my friends will be over for that,
And I need somebody to serve the beer!!

But I have already filed the papers!
Don't try to change my mind; I will not budge!
By this time next week, we will be divorced!
Thank God my Daddy's the mayor, and the judge!

No more leaving the damn toilet seat down!
What in the hell was that about anyway??
I know you fell in the bowl a few times;
That kind of thing builds character, I say.

No more being told to clean up my mess,
Or get the transmission out of the bathtub!
I can let the chickens back in the house!
And I can stay out late at Bubba's Pub!

No more damn tampons in the wastebasket,
Or having sex only when you're in the mood!
No more nagging about the clothes I wear,
Or cooking that tastes like Fear Factor food.

That blue thing is coming out of the toilet,
And the air freshener is going with YOU!
Don't forget to take your Mister Coffee!
While you're at it, you'd best take your mama too,

The Blue-tick is mine and he stays with me!
So do my cars, even though none of them run!
And if you try to mess with the chickens,
You'll be looking down the barrel of my gun!

I think I'll get that Bass Boat I wanted,
And I'll be signing up with the N.R.A.
I'm going to get back into the bowling league!
And cousin Peaches wants to move in with me!

I knew I was wrong in marrying you,
I should have listened to Grandma Bramley!
But I have certainly learned my lesson!
From now on, I'll keep it in the family!