My Dad's Best Friend

by Alex   Sep 3, 2004


I sit here in my corner trying to hide,
I hear the door shut from the car outside,
I hear a loud voice coming to my room,
I know he's coming towards my room because I smell his heavy perfume,
He comes inside and grabs my arm,
But he says he'll do me no harm,
But everything that comes out of his mouth are lies,
He usually does that just to hear my cries,
He troughs me on the floor,
And kicks me to the core,
He takes my clothes and rips them to one shred,
And tonight I think I'll be dead,
He grabbed a knife and then me he releases,
Grabbed the knife and cut me to pieces,
I really never knew who he was before,
But know I know he's my dad's best friend from next door,
Usually he did this just to see my pain,
But tonight he went insane,
He never did it like that to me before,
And it hurts me to say that I died tonight and I'm just four.

(Please vote and comment this story happened to my best friends little sister.)

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Latest Comments

  • 19 years ago

    by Sean Allen

    First off, I agree with Dorotea's assesment concerning your rhyme and rhythm, it was pretty consistent, but there are some places were it varies greatly.

    second, I thnk you might want to consider replacing perfume with cologne, since generally men wear cologne, and perfume gives a different connotation and denotation, but maybe you were shooting for that.

    thirdly:
    "He troughs me on the floor,"
    it should be "threw" or "throws" depending on what tense you're looking for.

    good write, but I think it can be improved given a bit of time.

  • 19 years ago

    by Dorotea©

    "I hear a loud voice coming to my room,
    I know he's coming towards my room because I smell his heavy perfume"

    Those two lines are rhymed, but the lenght of the lines varies so much that it is hard to the reader to grasp the fact that you're rhyming them because there are so many words in between. Try making less obvious rhymes, while working on the flow. One thing that might really help the flow is if you put the same amount of syllables for each line in the stanza as the stanza before.

    What I mean is something like this:

    line 1- 8 syllables
    line 2- 8 syllables
    line 3- 6 syllables
    line 4- 7 syllables.

    And then as you continue, follow the pattern that you set for yourself.. I hope that made any sense. Or, you can choose not to rhyme at all.

    Your poem was very sad. Especially when I saw that it had actually happened to your friend's little sister. Nice job,

    Dorotea

  • 19 years ago

    by Blue eyes~

    Good JOB sweets!!

  • 20 years ago

    by Not Bulletproof

    yeah thats really sad..but really well written..good job...<3
    -Mort
    xxx

  • 20 years ago

    by Franziska

    Hey! This is really such an amazing poem, it's so sad this really happened and it's kinda weird to say i like the poem, but it's really good! And it's so sad, but keep the great work up.

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