I Didn't Need Scum Like Him Anyway

It weren't meant to be, I wasn't for him,
I thought that he liked his girls skinny and dim.
I could've suspected, I wasn't to know,
When this "friendship" of his had started to grow.

He worked longer hours, but worse I had feared,
He thought he looked suave with sideburns and beard.
I was made to feel special, with flowers and gifts,
However through all this, he worked extra shifts.

Yours truly was left, alone in the house,
Waiting all night for the return of my spouse.
He'd finally walk in, three in the morning,
Drunk as a parrot, barely standing and yawning.

"It's just a drink out with the lad's!" he said,
But do his mates drink Baileys and wear Charlie Red?
With all of these thoughts abusing my brain,
I found it quite hard to keep myself sane.

I looked through his pockets, in search of a clue,
Finding a receipt for a dinner for two.
I questioned the man I once thought I knew,
The excuses he made would turn my face blue.

He said I was crazy; he'd had lunch with the boss,
He was up for promotion, which meant extra dish.
He told me of holidays and presents and things,
I started to think of those posh diamond rings.

I awoke the next morning with many a doubt,
I decided it was high time I figured him out.
When he was shaving and splashing on Brut,
I said my goodbyes and crept in the boot.

The trip to work was bumpy, but well worth the ride,
You'd be amazed at the info I found whilst inside!
Suddenly the car ground to a halt,
And I heard dulcet tones of the Blond bimbo sort.

As she giggled politely, my thoughts turned to murder,
In fact they were there from the moment I heard her.
She sounded nineteen with a chest full of promise,
And a smile that made a man feel like Adonis.

As I laid in the dark, my knees became numb,
My skirt moved northwards, exposing my bum.
I started to sweat; I was thirsty and hot,
I couldn't wait to get out the next time we stopped.

Two hours later we were still on the road,
I felt like my head was about to explode.
It made me so dizzy, I could not think,
My throat was so dry; I needed a drink.

In desperation I searched round the boot,
But all I could find were two bottles of Hooch.
I scraped at the caps with my nails and teeth,
Then I guzzled it down; oh what a relief!

Finally the car had come to a stop
But to my absolute horror, it started to rock!
The groaning and moaning was too much to bear,
I shouted "LET MEES OUT OF HERES!"

The boot lid opened, and all I could see,
Were four swaying people, staring at me.
I shouted obscenities at my husband and *****,
As I fell out of the boot and onto the floor.

"You bleeping bleep bleep and bleep bleep bleep!
"Go and bleeping bleep yourself! You and your bleep!"
The figures stepped forward and offered their hands,
"Bleep off you bleepers! You don't understand!

"I caught you red-handed! You're a liar and a cheat!
"I want you out of the house you bleep bleep bleep!"
I dragged myself up, and brushed myself down,
But still the four people span around and around.

"Stand still!" I ordered as I staggered about,
I think it was then that I swiftly passed out.
I woke up in Hospital the very next day,
People looked at me strangely or just looked away!

My husband arrived at around about noon,
But he didn't know he'd be leaving so soon.
How upset he was, how embarrassed he'd been,
"How could you do that and cause such a scene?!"

"ME??!!" I exclaimed, as I sat up in bed,
The nurses and patients could see me turn red.
"YOU AND THAT BLOND STICK WERE FOOLING AROUND,
"AND YOU'RE TELLING ME I SHOULD KEEP MY VOICE DOWN?!?"

"Actually," he said, on more whispered tones,
"She's a red head from Birmingham and she's seventeen stone."
I choked on my laughter; "You've got a screw loose!
"My god! You've fallen in love with a moose!

"Don't tell me! Her **** is as big as her heart!
"And she's really not the village tart!"
Strangely, he seemed a little offended,
I think it was then that our marriage had ended.

"I'm leaving you now," he stuttered and sighed,
I threw a ten pence at him from my bedside.
"Buy her some doughnuts and get out of my face!
"I'm glad to get rid of you, you're just a disgrace!"

And so it is here that my story must end,
So hear this one message that I have to send:
Women must always be cautious and cute,
And men should remember to check their car boot!

xXx