My Search for Me

I try to fool myself into believing I'm an adult
Maybe it's my errant emotions that are so difficult.

I can try and try but no matter what I do,
I cannot fool myself, I cannot be untrue.

I'm seventeen years old with many years to grow
I'm still a child. That I do know.
But, why then do I feel like an adult?
It's the pain my father caused, it's all his fault.

When I pretend to be older than I am
I can truly feel happiness from all my memories
But somehow I am always reminded of all my adversaries.

I never truly experienced being a child
I had to grow up fast,
I do not even remember having ever smiled.

My father caused my family excruciating pain
For years all I ever felt was overwhelming disdain.
But, mom told me to forgive him,
After all he was my father, so forgive him I did.

But instilled in me was still that fear,
That no one will want me unless I was mature,
You see I was thirteen when dad noticed I was here.
I have tried so hard, oh, the things I had to endure.

But here I am with this fear of rejection,
Unless I am an adult trying to achieve perfection

So here is where it all begins
My search for me, washed from all the sins.