Jennifer

Cara, I never blamed Sam for anything...so what if I called her two faced that doesnt mean I blame her...She is two faced to me but not to you so dont worry about it...I can say how I feel...I dont blame anyone...I never said Jessica is my best friend...I dont have a best friend...To me my best friend left me feeling dead inside because she hates me...I will never again have a best friend because I dont think I could handle the replacement...you think i hurt you...I might of but why dont YOU look around...this whole thing started because you thought I gave you a dirty look...I never even did and you didnt even believe me...I bottle up how I feel so much and it tares at me everyday...I talked to Ashley about this whole thing and asked her what I should do and she said that since I still care so much I should try to do what I believe...I believe in trying and never giving up...I wont ever give up on you Cara...You are still in my heart and always will be...I dont care whether you think I am doing ok because I am not...Just because I put a fake smile on my face everyday doesnt mean I am happy...I think about when I lost Ashley and how much it hurted because I am feeling it again...I think about what Trent would think of me if I continue to let you go...It hurts so much...Why do you want to hurt me? Why do you hate me? Why dont you want to at least talk to me? Why? Mom keeps telling me that I should quit reading your poems because I cry everytime and it upset her to see me that way...I cant help it...Sometimes I think maybe just maybe she will write something that will help me...Then I think about my poems and how much they could of hurt you...You say that I wrote the meanest things...Look at what you write! I am glad you are doing just fine without me because at least you are! I never asked to be your best friend...i already knew I wasnt your best friend about a year ago...it hurt when I realized but it didnt matter to me because I was still at least your friend...but then here you are...you say i dont care...where are your feelings Cara? Are you trying to put on a show because I know your not! You tell me that I need to learn to keep my big mouth closed...Do you know how much it hurt when we had that meeting and Britini asked me to go sit by her and you yelled that you didnt want me near you? How do I have a big mouth, I dont make you feel like shit the way you make me do...first you go off saying I was trying to take Ashley from you when I wasnt...I dont have a best friend anymore to talk to and ask for advice anymore so I turned to her...Dont go off saying I blame Sam cause I never did? What did she do to make me want to blame her? You dont know what goes on in my head! I am so screwed up I cant even think...Dont go off saying that I never cared because I ALWAYS CARED! Yeah I said some pretty mean things but so did you...Just because you expect me to back down doesnt mean I am going to...I dont want to hurt you but you hurt me to...So what if I called you selfish...You called it to me first...Dont go off saying I never liked Sam because I did there for awhile...Yeah I didnt like her at first but I had changed my mind when I had gotten to know her...You dont even see the truth anymore anyways...Just because Trent died doesnt mean you have to take things out on me...I know you are in pain and you say you will never be the same...I know he was the love of your life...That is what hurts the most...I cant even be there for you because you dont want me to...Yeah it may take two people to make friends and to make a friendship end....at least you agree...You act like it is all of my fault to...It hurts so much that you cant even ammit when you are wrong...It hurts so much that you didnt even try...It hurts so much that you hate my guts...It hurts so much that even I dont feel like living anymore...You say that you wished you was dead because Trent died...I wish I am dead because I lost you to...You once told me that Sam would never replaced me...Even though I already knew she had I didnt say a word...I just figured to keep things hidden so I wouldnt lose you the way I did Ashley! You act like I dont have any d*mn feelings...You broke my heart Cara the day you first yelled at me...I was so angry and so hurt...I didnt want to be your friend then...You werent a friend to me at all that day...At least I have pride in at least trying to sort things out...You tell me I am not a good friend...Good friends are those that want to make things work...You say it takes two to make a friendship end...Then why am I not wanting to end it...It takes one person to make a friendship end and this time around it is you...You never even answered all the questions I asked...How come Cara??????? AM I STILL IN YOUR HEART OR NOT?? I dont want to move on if I am still in your heart because your still in mine...I dont want to pull you from my heart unless you yank it out...Do you even care what happens to me? Do you even care about me at all? Did you ever even love me? I thought not having you as a friend would be easy but its not! Yeah it may be easy for you because you still have the same life as you had yesterday but it isnt for me...My whole life changed when you told me you never wanted to be my friend again...Your whole life may have changed because Trent died but my life changed because to me you feel dead to...You changed that day...You were hurt and I wanted so much to take over your pain...I didnt know what to do...I just wanted to always be by your side so you didnt feel alone...But you told me I wasnt ever there! HOW???? I tried to be there more then I ever did in my life!! WHY DONT YOU THINK SO?? Did you figure that I was worthless to you and you could just throw me away the way you did? You make me feel so low! WHY??? When did I ever make you feel this way? I feel so mentally depressed! It all started the day I knew I wasnt your best friend...I went crazy...but I kept it inside for so long...it feels good telling you that I know Sam is your best friend and it doesnt matter to me anymore...I was already over that! I worked it out within myself! Why do you have to hurt me the way I hurt when I was younger? Do you ever know what I been through? I know what you been through but I never hurt you that way! WHY???? Why me? Why now? Why????