My Thoughts, Your Concerns

Sometimes I'm sad and I do things. Things to myself that are painful. But I go numb. Somehow it makes it better for a moment. I don't want to die. I'm scared of death. I fear it, and everything else that has to do with it. I don't know why I do this to myself. I don't understand it. It sounds so weird, because I should know why I do this to myself. But it's not a big deal, really it's not. I know it's not right...normal. I know that other people who do this have problems they can't talk about, and they end up committing suicide. But that's not me. I don't have any problems. I can stop this, on my own. You sat me down in my room, and asked me if there was anything wrong, anything you should know. I said no, that there wasn't...because this isn't a big deal...right? It's normal. I wanted to tell you, but I don't see the point, because I'm fine. I have it under control. If I told you, I'd feel really stupid, even more than I do now. My body is filled with guilt. I lied straight to your face. I cried tonight, which is really weird, because I never cry. I asked myself what was wrong with me. Not one answer came to my mind. So it's fine, I'm ok.Your words keep going though my head, "If one of my children killed themselves, I would want to kill myself too..." That hit me like a bullet, it really scared me. I don't know why those words got me. I feel so bad, so ashamed. But the question still remains...why do I do this to myself?! My mind is blank of any answers. It's wrong, I know. But I just wanted you to know, that I love you, and I will never kill myself...I am fine. Even though you will never read this, I just want to let you know, mom, I love you with all my of my heart, and I will live for you and my family...you are the reason I live, you are my stability.