Hey I liked this poem. If you were just an above average poet, I would say this is great and you should keep up the good work. But i know you can do better, so I'll do my best to offer improvements for your next poem. I would advize making ur lines longer. you don't have to make the poem longer, just the lines. I would say 10-12 syllables is a good count. Sometimes long lines make ur rhyme scheme less distinct, and you can really start sounding good (e.g. The Raven by Poe).

Yeah, do what Sean says. maybe start out with 8 syllables, and remember to keep it consistent. Unless you want to try a peom that has no R&R at all. Both Seanand i have some of those. They're fun sometimes :-)
Aken Sol

Short and straight to the point. I really liked this poem. Keep it up.