Our Last Meeting

In the car with cheerful mum
thoughts pass me by
my last journey to this place
no more questions why

the light flickers through the trees
my hope fades away
people out, walking their smiles
cannot stand another day

the grey building approaches
so solemn and grey
the great sign above it shouts
mental this way!

pacing slowly to the red door
i begin to prepare
sitting in the waiting room
wishing i was not there

mum speaking silent words
drifting over my head
i sit still in anticipation
full of fear and dread

but what if he suspects?
what if it shows?
what if he reads my plans?
what if he knows?

doors behind me swiftly open
i dare to look round
you are wearing that soft smile
i cant hear a sound

quickly diverting my longing eyes
pin my sight to the floor
you beckon me to follow you
away, through the door

the passage smells so musky
i begin to wonder
will he figure out my plans
if i start to blunder?

i perch on the same sad couch
clinging to my fear
you sit down opposite me
not too far, not too near

your words flow gently
through the chilled air
i lose my voice completely
choked by my despair

time ticks away so fast
counting down my life
i long to scream and shout
save me from my knife!

as you question, my stomach knots
so much i want to say
yet all i manage is I do not know
to your great dismay

i try so hard not to swim
in your fixed gaze
pounding thoughts fill my head
running in a maze

the session is so nearly over
you ask how i feel
about the fact you are going away
Cannot tell you how i feel

i respond in my usual way
I will be just fine
when deep inside I am screaming
please read my mind!

yet you just nodded and smiled
as hope passed me by
i wish i could have told you
how i wished to die

i longed for you to see my plans
keep me safe and secure
yet now i fear it is too late
to save my bleeding core

when you said our time is up and
I\'ll see you in two weeks
inside i fought a thousand tears
even though i was so weak

I should have told you how i felt
i locked it up inside
instead of screaming those words
i clung to my pride

you wrote out the next date
for us again to meet
my head began to swirl and spin
swaying in the heat

if only you had simply known
as you said goodbye
that i was planning, whilst you were away
to surrender and die

now you are on holiday
you will not see me again
i sit here collecting tablets waiting
for time to tell me when

never again will i see your face
your smile so soft and kind
i guess the answers to your questions
you will never find

when you finally return
you will find that I am gone
i hope that you will understand
my pain was too strong

i tried to accept all your help
now i must resist
i have to end this suffering
and cease to exist

Please comment if u could or have time, it would mean so much to know people understand x