Stuck In The Middle

I'm scared of what my future holds
Yet haunted by my past
The present place is killing me
How long can I last?

I've tried to live, I've tried to die
I've failed at both attempts
Sleepless nights I wonder why
My life slips through a vent

There's nothing more that I can say
It's written in your eyes
I've hurt you with tries of suicide
Tears caused by my lies

I'm trying so hard to let you know
Trying to make you see
This person trying to end my life
Is not the real me

I never meant to make you cry
Each and every night
The guilt inside tears me up
As I struggle with my fight

I don't want to live another day
I'm here because of you
Can't live, can't die, I just exist
Not knowing what to do

All I do is cause you heartache
Plague you with my fears
You don't deserve my burden of pain
Laid upon you for two years

Please, I beg, don't shout at me
Can't help the way i feel
I try, mum, I really do try
To cover all that's real

Yet makeup is only temporary
Smiles are all so fake
These scars cannot be covered
With every night's escape

I cut because it provides relief
Brings me to the ground
Yet you just shout and give me grief
When a solution, I have found

It may only last a single minute
I wish you'd realise
A minute of relief can keep me sane
But you can't empathize

It's not my fault I throw up food
Retain the bitter taste
Yet you still yell, everytime
Calling it a waste

Is that what I really am?
A waste of your time?
I spend so long ignoring comments
Pretending that I'm fine

Part of me wants to be angry
For all your ignorance
The way that I do nothing right
Your lack of tolerance

Yet part of me is weeping so soft
Shred by all my guilt
For causing pain, shutting you out
With this wall I built

I no longer know what is best
What I now should do
I'll stick at fighting this ugly battle
I'll stay here with you

I'm sorry Mum x