suggestions:

1)all the punctuation in this poem make it sound choppy. interrupts flow.

2) at the beginning of the poem i thought it was gonna be sort of like an iambic pentameter, but then this whole "middle section" threw me off, and it ends in a totally diff. way. maybe if u stayed consisten in the layout this wouldnt give the readers the wrong impression

what i liked:

1) the rhyming was excellent
2) the ending was eh.. but i loved the begining
3) 5/5 stars!