Confession

You told me how you think of me as your real sister
Even though we aren’t blood related and haven’t even meet
You told me how you love me like I was family
And you’d be devastated if anything happened to me

Hearing you say these things made me so happy
It made me feel like someone actually cared about me
It made me feel like somebody actually loved me
Something I hadn’t felt in a long time even though I know my family loves me

But at the same time I was crying and hurting inside
Because I felt the exact same way about you
But I’d been lying to you for the past two months
I had been hiding my dirty little addiction from you

I had held back for so long because I was ashamed
I was afraid that you would be disappointed and angry at me
But I couldn’t keep it all bottled up I just broke down
Something told me that I had to tell you my secret

I built up all my courage and told you what I had been doing
I asked for your help because I was frightened of what would happen to me
I was so scared my hands shaking as I typed those words
“I’ve started cutting again”

Relief swept over me as you reassured me
You said that you were anything but angry
And that I could break my promise a million times over
And you would never be mad at me for it

I really did mean it when I told you that I wanted to stop
The words that I said came from my heart I truly wanted to
But now threes days later Im not so sure if I do anymore
My brain has been racing Im so confused of what I want now

I can’t stop thinking about what it’s like when I do it
I like the pain I feel when the knife rips through my flesh
I like watching the blood flow swiftly down my leg
It makes me feel so much better when I do it

I really don’t know how much longer I can hold off from doing it
I need that feeling back my body is aching for it
Maybe it’s just an addicts mind making me think I need to do it
But whatever it is it’s trying to take control of me and Im losing

I can’t help but feel you’ll be disappointed in me if I start again
Even though deep down I know you won’t be
I don’t want you to think I was lying to you either
I meant every word I said to you that night I let the real me out

It’s just that I hurt so bad inside at times that I can’t take much more
Things would be fine if I didn’t hate every aspect of myself so much
But I can’t help it anymore this hate keeps on growing along with the pain
And cutting is the only way I can make it all go away when things get too much

So, sorry in advance for when I go back to cutting again
I’m too weak to stop even though you think I’m strong
But don’t blame yourself you’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know
Inside Im just a scared little girl who doesn’t know another way

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