Somethings not right...

Somethings not right and she knows it...shes gone through the whole day feeling something she cant explain..when she gets home.......its just the same old thing..she gets something to eat then sits down in her usual spot at the computer...as she logs on she remembers the poem a friend sent her..telling her that it was her choice to be happy and her choice to not ...right then she tells herself that today was going be a good day..no fights..no rudeness..no cold words...as time goes on...her friends start to realize..Crazie is not ok..shes sad..shes distant..shes not the same...they ask her whats wrong and all that they can get in reply is that shes fine..it doesn't matter....don't worry about it...everyones happy...yet she feels so depressed..and she doesn't know why...her boyfriend calls but for some reason..she feels dread..she doesn't want to be asked whats wrong and she doesn't want to have to explain why shes like this..she doesn't even know herself...after three i love you's from him and none from her..they hang up....not once did she say how she really felt...because all she wanted to say was i need you..please don't hang up...she sits there thinking then decides to call him back..she explains its not his fault but before she says good night...she tells him from her heart..that she loves him..she walks down the hall to her room..closes the door and sits there crying..she starts to think about cutting again..she sure wants to do it..yet what good would it do..shed still be stuck there..in the same life she has lived for sixteen years...then she feels the urge to call her boyfriend again yet decides against it..he has to get up in a few hours...it would be best not to wake him..he needs his sleep..he cant be worried now...she then decides to get back on line..she gets on line and again she feels the feeling of self hopelessness...why would they want her there..why would they want to talk to her..after all they just ignore her.....she sighs and clicks off again...she sits there thinking..still feeling that urge to call..she picks up the phone and dials his number...she just wants to hear his voice...she just wants to hear that he still loves her....she says goodbye not because she wants to go..but because she cant bear the thought of keeping him awake any longer...as he says goodbye her heart aches because..more than anything..she just wants him to stay..but how selfish would it be to keep him there...regrettfully she says goodnight.....somethings not right and everybody knows it..for she has tried to deny it..but the truth still seeps through....no one understands whats wrong with her...yet will they stay....will they still want to help...all she knows..are the feelings inside..all mixed together.....why cant she be happy..what is wrong..all she wants is people to care...maybe they do and she still refuses to see...maybe...for now thats all she can see....all this has blinded her...she needs help..but who will be there to carry her through...just one person is all she needs...one person to care..one person to believe..one person to stand by her side....who will it be....she will continue to search for that answer until she feels sad and hopeless no more...

I just wanted to apologize to all of my friends...something is wrong but I dont know what..Im sorry I have been taking it all out on you...I just dont know whats wrong and I need help...Maybe I can do it by myself..Ill surely try..but for now..jus please know..I am truly sorry for everything and I hope all of you can forgive me someday..I still love all of you..and all of the help from each and every one of you is such a blessing..Thank you...