The Genie From Hell

I thought I'd finally hit the jackpot,
That my bad luck was going to change.
When I found that old slimy bottle,
It was "where" that I thought was strange.

It just came floatin' down the sewer,
Where I was hiding from the cops.
I thought it might be valuable,
Like things you'd find in antique shops.

So I reached over and fished it out,
It stunk so bad I thought I'd choke.
So I wiped off all that nasty crud,
That's when the thing started to smoke!

Out came a genie covered in sludge,
And she was not happy at all.
I did what I could to clean her up,
And then she just started to bawl!

She told me her whole dang life story,
And she was three thousand years old!!
Can you imagine how long that took?!
And all I wanted was the gold!

I told her we should get to wishing,
She wasn't too happy 'bout that.
She said I was just like all the rest,
But I wasn't there just to chat!

I said I know just what to wish for,
And don't you try nothin' funny.
I want to be surrounded with gold,
Come on and show me the money!

She smiled and then she gave me a nod,
Told me my wish was her command.
She said I still had two more wishes,
And should tell her what I demand.

I would like to live in a big house,
My second wish came out just right.
And for my third, I wished for nookie,
Every day and all through the night.

She folded her arms and blinked her eyes,
And we wound up in some big vault.
I saw stacks of gold bars everywhere,
Then I heard somebody yell halt!

I went to jail for robbing Fort Knox.
They sentenced me to five to life!
She even testified against me!
Said she was my crud covered wife!

She said your wishes have been granted.
Told me I got what I asked for.
I told her I never wished for this!
I'm worse off than I was before!

I wished to be surrounded by gold!
"You didn't say your gold" said she.
"I gave you exactly what you asked."
Why does this stuff happen to me!!

Then I asked about my second wish,
That big house where I was to dwell.
She said that's where they'll be sending you,
The Big House, your own man made hell.

I said, now you just wait one minute!!
My third wish won't have any hope!
She assured me that it would come true,
The first time that I dropped the soap!!

So if you ever find a genie,
In a bottle covered in slime,
You'd best listen to her life story,
And friend, it's gonna take some time.

If you don't listen to my advice,
There's one thing I can guarantee,
You'll get exactly what you wish for,
And you could wind up just like me!

A boy toy for a guy named Bruno,
Who's as big and strong as a bear,
Thankfully he's built like a lobster,
You would hardly know that he's there.

But it's the principal of the thing,
This was not the plan that I made!!
So if you do open that bottle,
Be afraid, be very afraid.