I have this picture of me when i was a young girl sometime around Christmas. The picture has my dad tickling me to death with his beard. And me laughing my ass off. Looking at it made me cry and it took me awhile to realize why. I cried because the dad in that picture was the dad i had been looking for for so long. I was looking for that girls family and that time. The time when my dad had the time to tickle me to death with his beard and the time where someone cared enough to take that picture. I started to look through my pictures to see if i could find more pictures of that time. Instead of finding pictures of that time i found one that was really only four years old. It was me when i was fourteen with my dad. I was sitting in a rocking chair holding a baby with my dad propped up on one knee beside me smiling with his arm around me. We were seeing Christian for the first time. This picture too made me cry and i realized why. I cried because i would have settled to find that dad in that picture and that time. The dad who had the time to drive me to the hospital and put his arm around me and smile. And the time when someone cared enough to take the picture. Slowly i started to see something i had refused to see for a longtime. I was the only one with those memories of time. My brothers don't have pictures with dad taking his time to spend with them. On the important days in their lives my brothers didn't have a dad with time to smile and put his arm around them. Because they didn't have that they told me i wrong when i went looking for him. They didn't understand how i felt because they didn't feel it. There is nothing that i can do to change that. I looked for dad for almost ten years and all i found was Mike. In that ten years looking for dad i looked for myself too. I had been lost for so long. Looking at those pictures and looking at the times now i come to see that i will never find dad. Just Mike. I also see that the little girl in those pictures is lost too. For time has changed along with everyone else. I'm not looking for dad anymore i found him. He is in a picture on my wall tickling me death. And although i will continue to find myself i know that a piece of me is in that picture laughing my ass off.
