The Pain I Feel Inside

I can remember the first time i cried,
how i wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside,
no one must know how cut up i am,
I'll retreat into my shell just like a clam.
No one must ever know how i feel inside,
I'll just stay quiet and I'll hide.
Some days I'm happy and others I'm low,
i can never tell which way i will go.
I've tried so many things to numb the pain,
some are crazy, mad even insane.
i tried not eating, controlling what i ate,
It didn't get me anywhere i just lost weight,
I became sick and pale, tired and weak,
Just because i wouldn't, couldn't eat.
I've tried cutting-this works the best,
I cut my arms, legs stomach, chest,
anywhere that blood will flow,
but I'm always careful never to let them show.
I love to cut it gives me pride
seeing the cuts that i must hide.
sometimes it stings a bit, gets infected,
but i don't ever feel dejected
cos cuttings always there for me
its my fried and my enemy.
I've tried joints and pills,
anything to give me thrills,
they could make me high as a kite,
or make me snappy and make me fight,
alcohol works for a time,
Vodka, Fosters, Shots, Lager and Lime.
But you spend the next day with a pounding head,
Spend the day confined to your bed.
I've tried paracetamol, didn't take enough,
All they did was make me feel rough,
Made me tired and sick,
Almost like I'd swallowed a brick,
Nothing makes me feel better,
So i thought I'd write this letter,
Before i take something stronger,
Cos i don't want to be on this earth much longer.