I totally liked the idea of the poem. But you are right, something doesnt exactly click. Maybe the flow isnt that good, but im not sure. Keep on working on this poem, over all it was very good.
SatuzKa

I liked the poem but something is missing maybe add to it I don't know I am not very good so I can't really give advice on how to write. I love reading poems though. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.