Failure

Didn't know if I should post this or not, was just a random trail of thought but wrote it as a poem

There may be many things confusing in my life
But there’s one thing I know for sure
I’m a failure; I've failed to stop using the knife
And I've failed to find my cure

I've failed because I no longer go to school
But just sit here and dream of death
If I can’t cope now, how will I ever live life?
Should end it instead of wasting each breath

But then again I’m even a failure at suicide
I've even failed to die
And god knows how many times I've tried
But its failed and I don’t know why

I’m a failure at living and a failure at dying
Why do I even bother to try?
I’m a failure at cutting and a failure at lying
All I do is to sit and cry

Pathetic… that’s the word I will use now
For it’s the word that describes me best
I loathe every single cell in my body
Because I've failed at each of life’s tests

And yes anyone who reads this will think that
This is full of stupid self pity
And you’ll probably make some nasty remark
Or find something to say that’s witty

But I really refuse to care what people think
In fact I couldn't give a sh*t
So I warn you now, don’t come close to me
Because I’ll lash out and I’ll hit

Maybe it’s a actually good thing that
This anger is being released
But it should have happened so long ago
When smiles faded and hope ceased

But back then I was so scared and afraid
That people would remark and judge
All of my problems, and how I feel everyday
And would end up bearing a grudge

Don’t really know why I’m sat at the pc
Writing these worthless words
When I’m never going to show those people this
I’m too afraid to be heard

You know, last night I stood and looked in the mirror
I caught a glimpse when I undressed
And I took one long hard look at myself
At this body that has been caressed

And I felt so sick…sick at the sight of myself
I couldn't bear to look for too long
Because all I wanted to do was to kill this thing
This evil that won’t let me stay strong

I had this urge to slash at my scarred skin
To deface what is already dead
I just wanted so much to kill the illness that’s within
My body and my head

I wish so much, that when I look at myself
I could see what he says he sees
It’s like I’m trapped in a locked room
And I cannot find the keys

Last night I sat by the toilet and I cried
And I cut out my heart with a knife
I wrapped it in toilet paper and flushed it down the loo
I violently took my life

I know that nightmare will really haunt me
And maybe it will return
Was I a coward, to feel afraid in the dream?
To feel afraid that I could not return?

I really don’t want to end my life in desperation
And I really don’t want to bleed
So I hope one day I will not be a failure
And I hope one day I’ll succeed

Because the truth is, I don’t want to end this life
But it has seemed like it’s my only escape
After the tears, the broken family and self doubt
The fears, the insults and nearly rape

So tonight, I sit and I pray with all my might
That I will succeed one day
And I pray that I will succeed with my life
And not succeed with passing away