Understood by no one...

No one quite understands,
Understands how I'm feeling,
No one quite understands,
Understands how I'm dealing.

Words cannot describe my perceptions,
I've been searching through my head,
But nothing ever comes out clear,
My thoughts so heavy, like lead.

So many whispers "they get me",
So many convince me "they want to know",
But then one by one they leave me,
It gets harder the more they know.

I despise myself for constant doubting,
But what hurts more is when they leave,
Once again I've been proved right,
All too easy to deceive.

So many voices,
Always running through my head,
So many reasons,
Why I'd be better off dead.

Always living for my friends,
For them I paint a smile,
I'd gladly die for them,
They'd make the pain worthwhile.

So many variant masks,
Which one to wear today?
Happy, clever, thoughtful?
It's all an act I play.

Then there are the few I let in,
The few who get that part,
The real me opens up,
But ends in broken hearts.

I'm like a dagger,
Stabbing loved one with lies,
Hurting all in sight,
Leaving me in silent cries.

Control is what I thrive for,
It's my safe haven, my life,
When I lose my self control,
It's then I turn to the knife.

Objects killing me softly,
My mirror does ever so silently,
Judging my every imperfection,
Erasing all of my dignity.

Cursed by God's voices,
Telling me how I'm so wrong,
Tortured by Ana's whispers,
Screaming out "be strong!"

Who am I among this?
What mask is the real me?
When will I ever look in the reflection,
And finally see?

No one understands,
Understood by no one,
I'm living a daily battle,
That might just never be won.