Self Distruction

Why can't I stand up and speak my mind
There's so much strength in me, I just have to find
Is there someone out there that can reach within
and find the courage i need to begin?
I bottle up every emotion, day after day
I must be crazy to live this way.
To be stepped on and not say a word
to be used but be happy, that not a one head was turned
to cry every night, as i slowly drift to sleep.
and feel lucky that no one has heard me weep
to scream my throut raw, and rejoice not being heard
to want to say 1,000,000 things, but not utter a single word
somewhere along the line, i must've lost my mind
to sit and shrug it off, when I've yet again been left behind
I'll spend days and days, painting a mural on my wall
but not show a soul, and paint over it all
I'll write a poem, 3 pages long
but throw it away when i see one thing that's wrong
why do i do this to myself, day after day?
yet another question i cannot answer, and wouldn't anyway